Listening to Teens Is a Powerful Opportunity
by Joel W. Harbarger

School teachers often feel buried under a mountain of paperwork demands. Coaches and band directors are many times overwhelmed with the demand to “win or be fired!” Parents are paralyzed by the demands of their employers who are “rightsizing” their companies. No one seems to care—or even has time to care—about anyone else’s problems.
Youth, too, are affected. They often seem resigned to adults’ not listening to them; to adults’ ignoring them; to adults’ telling them what to do, with little regard for the youths’ opinions. Youth often expect to be treated as an annoyance. Thus, many youth are surprised when an adult listens to them.

You’ve Got to Be Willing
Willingness to listen to youth is an investment in respect. We tell youth (some for the first time) that we respect them and care about hearing their ideas, struggles, and triumphs.
All of us can become good listeners, but most of us don’t. The stresses of life usually keep us from developing this vital skill. Solution-seeking becomes more expedient than listening to problems. We find ourselves hearing what we expect or want to hear rather than listening to what is said. Impatience is a predator of listening skills.
Adults are often more comfortable talking to youth than talking with them. Listening more than talking and asking the youth’s opinions—letting them know that you value them—requires discipline. Some adults practice a reality check by telling themselves, She sounds just like a fifteen year old. That’s okay, since she is fifteen years old! We can affirm the idealism and naivete of youth—a fragile attitude that spoils all to soon.

Show That You Care
To listen to youth effectively, we need to slow our response time. In many cultures, interrupting another is the height of rudeness. A person must wait awhile after the other has spoken before responding to make sure that the speaker is not just taking a moment to ponder before speaking again. How great it would be if we all practiced this pattern of conversation. Youth need to know that we are listening.
Some researchers say that as much as eighty percent of our communication is nonverbal—how we position our bodies, what we do with our hands, where we look, how we say what we say convey more than anything we actually say with words.
That’s true for listeners too. If we are not attentive, the speaker will assume that we are not listening. But if we look at the speaker, smile, and nod at appropriate times, he or she knows that we are really listening.
When we sit up in our seats, with our arms uncrossed, we communicate that we are interested and open to what is being said. When we slouch and cross our arms, we indicate that we are bored and closed to the speaker’s ideas.
We also need to ask open questions. We don’t ask, “Was the ski trip fun?” because that will elicit answers such as “yes,” “no,” or (most likely) “kind of.” But the question, “What was the ski trip like? will elicit longer responses. And we can follow up with “Now explain how that happened” or “Wow! How did you fell when that happened?”
Inviting youth into conversation and asking follow up questions tells youth we value their experience and want to know more. Even expressions like “Wow!” or “No kidding?” or “Boy, I would have been scared!” can encourage conversation, but we need to be sincere.

Keep Them Talking
Our most important task as listeners is to encourage youth to keep talking. Finding out about favorite hobbies, interests, and involvements gives us opportunities to ask leading questions about life. For example, ask about the person’s extracurricular involvements. Is there a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone whom the youth wishes were a boyfriend or girlfriend? Ask about jobs and cars. Or find out about the parents, but don’t focus on what the parents do for a living. Ask about the youth’s relationships with parents. Finding out about the youth’s lives will provide all sorts of conversation starters.
One of the most effective techniques for listening to youth is “a soft drink and an ear.” Invite two or three youth to go to a fast food restaurant after school or on a Saturday morning. Begin with a couple of discussion starters, then sit back to listen.
• What’s the funniest thing that happened in school this week?
• What’s your hardest school subject?
• Who is your favorite school teacher? Why?
• Who is your worst teacher? Why?
• What’s going on with your parents?
• What’s your dream vacation? Why?
• What are your plans this summer (or after high school)?

What if I’m an Introvert?
Actually, introverts are some of the best listeners. All you have to do is learn how to get the youth to start talking and to them keep talking. Ask leading questions and then smile, nod, and offer sounds and short words of encouragement. Remember, listening is not about being a performer but about being a great audience. You can develop the skills needed to be a great listener.

Confidentiality Issues
What happens when a youth tell you something that other people need to know? If it involves abuse of any kind (emotional, physical, or sexual), you are required by law to report the abuse. If the situation is not that drastic but you think that the parents should be informed, talk with the youth about it. Be sure that the youth will be safe if he or she opens up to his or her parents. If you believe that the youth will be safe, explain to the youth what his or her parents need to know. Offer to go with the youth when he or she tells his or her parents—or even offer to talk with the youth’s parents yourself.
Use your own judgment about revealing sensitive information to the parents without the youth’s consent. Understand that by doing so, you will probably sever your trust relationship with that youth and his or her friends. Tread carefully!

Follow Up
Youth will assume that you can remember everything that they have ever told you. If you don’t have that kind of memory, write down important information as soon as possible after—not during—a conversation. Keep the notes in a secure place. Be sure to identify areas for future conversation or puzzling comments to explore in upcoming times together.

Joel Harbarger listens to youth and college students in Athens, a small college town in rural southeastern Ohio.

From Youth Reaching Youth, © 1998 by Abingdon Press. This material may be reproduced for educational purposes.

Other articles in the Youth Reaching Youth series:
Planning Visitor-Sensitive Youth Settings.
Jesus Said, “Go!”.
Faith Conversation Skills.
Making Disciples of Jesus Christ.
Telling Our Faith Stories to Youth.

B>Brought to you by your youth ministry colleagues at Cokesbury.