Broken promises, miscommunication, misunderstandings, harsh words, divorce, abuse, hard tests, fights, not fitting in, peer pressure, overlooked feelings, betrayal, being left out . . .

Recognize the Signs

• Withdrawal, avoiding people


• Negative attitude


• Mood changes; tearful, sometimes for "no reason at all"


• Apathy: "I don’t care"


• Taking things personally, being overly sensitive to innocent comments


• Possessiveness, being unnecessarily jealous or unwilling to share


• Criticism, demanding attitude


• An inability to forgive, even the "little" things


• Confused, especially by other people and their actions

Unhealed Hurt Turns to Bitterness

If hurt goes without healing, it can easily turn into bitterness. Here are the signs of bitterness (a bitter person will have many of the above signs, plus these).

• Lack of regard for the feelings of others


• Paranoia


• Intense jealousy


• Complete lack of gratitude: "The world owes me!"


• Vindictive feelings; seeks revenge


• Rebellion


• Constant change of friends. Bitter youth have a hard time maintaining meaningful friendships. New friends display many of the same attributes of bitterness.


• Judgmental; condemns others


• Unable to see the wrong they are doing


• Trouble with the law

The Steps of Change

You can deal with hurt in a group setting. Programs, class sessions, and spontaneous discussions work with such topics as relationships, parents, conflict, forgiveness, and hospitality. These settings are important parts of any youth ministry. They give youth a good arena in which to learn skills and attitudes that both prevent hurt and help to deal with it.

Part of your ministry is to be sensitive to individual youth as well as to teach the group. When you spot the signs of someone hurting, follow up with a one-to-one conversation. Your goal is to take action before bitterness sets in. When hurt changes to bitterness, you can try the things listed below, but more than likely you will also need to refer these teenagers to a professional.

The following suggestions are for the individual time you spend with your teens. You can also adapt these techniques to your group times.

1. Help the teen identify the hurt. Many teens have a hard time recognizing hurt. Ask questions such as, "What is the worst thing you have ever had to live through?" "What is the most unfair thing that has ever happened to you (or someone you knew)?"


2. Let the person talk about the hurt. When teens have a hard time naming their feelings, ask them to express themselves by drawing a picture or writing a poem.


3. Help teens to rediscover who loves them. Identify ways family, friends, and other persons show love. Many teens are longing for perfect, unconditional love. Help them learn to accept imperfect love.


4. Help them talk about ways of forgiving. Do not force them to forgive. The two of you talking about forgiveness helps prepare them to be ready and able to forgive at the appropriate time.


5. Show God’s love. Help the young person find examples of God’s caring–in the Bible, from people, watching a sunset, or swimming in a peaceful lake or river.


6. Let teens pick ways of replacing hurt with opportunity. Many hurting teens will benefit from having a hobby. Let them discover that hurts heal when we reach out to help others. Encourage them to volunteer.


7. Help the teen decide if he needs to talk to the person who hurt him. Help her know how to confront a wrong without being confrontational. Teach the skills needed and roleplay situations to give the young person confidence and insight.


8. Make sure the teenager knows how to protect herself or himself, when possible, from future hurts. To do so means learning from one’s mistakes and making changes in one’s own behavior as needed.


9. Guard against too much mistrust. When teens repeatedly experience hurt, they simply stop trusting everybody. Help your teens to know whom and when to trust. Help them to see when not trusting is appropriate.


10. Never promise that you will not hurt them–you just never know. You can assure them that you will never intentionally try to hurt them. Encourage your teens to talk to you if any of them ever feel you have caused someone to hurt.

Hurt is probably one of the most common negative emotions. When teens do not deal with it well, hurt can also be one of the most destructive emotions. Helping youth deal with their past hurts will help them see God more clearly and make life more enjoyable. Hurts can heal!