Abingdon Youth

10 Tips to End the Conflict
By John Gocke

A common topic nowadays between youth pastors is struggles with the senior pastor at their church. Many youth pastors and workers automatically take the position that the senior staff is, at best, not in touch with youth culture and, at worst, opposed to God’s movement in the church. Many youth pastors wish that the senior staff would just leave them alone so that they can do their thing.

Top things about which youth ministers want to be left alone:

Personal Appearance

•Is your hair too long, too short, the wrong color, messy?

•Are your earrings in the wrong ears? Or should you even be wearing earrings?

•Do you have a tattoos?

•Are your clothes too casual?

•Do you weigh too much or are you too thin

Teaching Methods

•Are you stating the denominational line on social issues such as sexuality, war, and behavior?

•Are you teaching your personal interpretation of passages and topics?

Schedule

•Are the meetings too short or too long?

•Are you late for a service or do not show up for both services?

•Do you spend enough time in your office?

Is the solution more independence from the senior staff, or should you try to be on the same team (as long as your conscience can stand it)? Most of us are ready to take a do-or-die stance for the Gospel, but is every issue a call for a battle? When should you sound the horn to charge into the cannons and righteously sacrifice your position, income, and family security for what you believe in? First consider these things:

1. Start with an attitude check. What assumptions are you making about the senior staff? About the place of youth ministry in the congregation? How open are you to hearing and learning from someone else’s perspective? You can only change yourself, but by changing yourself, you may well change the dynamics that are heading you straight into conflict.

2. Recognize that you are under the senior’s authority (1 Peter 2:13). The senior pastor has positional authority over the staff, and you answer to him or her as you would a manager at a secular job. If you worked at a retail business and your manager gave you feedback on what to say to customers or what to wear to work, you would have to listen to him or her. However, just as at a secular job, you would not be expected to do things that violated your conscience or sincerely held beliefs.

3. Reasonable requirements. Ask the senior pastor or proper chairperson for a clearly defined job description. Ask for explicit descriptions for every aspect of your job. In that process, suggest some things that you’d like added to the description and some things you'd like removed from the description. Once that set of requirements is defined, ask him or her to make sure that the description is reasonable. This assessment should reflect whether the position is full or part time and the salary. Do not be trapped into full-time work for part-time compensation.

4. Relate. Whenever you get the chance, speak first and ask, "How was your weekend (day off, holiday, and so forth)?" Does the senior pastor enjoy golf, movies, or even tiddlywinks? Take an interest in what interests him or her, and offer to participate with him or her in that interest. Get to know him or her as a person. It is worth the trouble.

5. Realize that the senior pastor is human. It’s easy for anyone to sometimes forget that church staff members need pastors, too. Senior pastors aren't immune to stress any more than anyone else is. Your senior pastor may be so thankful for another staff member that he or she may overlook the idea that you may need a pastor, as well. Sometimes you may need to come to him or her as a shepherd rather than as a boss. But also remember that he or she is your supervisor and expects you to perform the duties of your job for the good of the fellowship. It can be difficult for a senior pastor to jump back and forth across the line that defines the two relationships you two have with each other. He or she will need your compassion and help to maintain those two relationships effectively.

6. Talk often. Never assume anything. Schedule times to sit down with the senior pastor (never on Sunday!) and tell him or her where the youth ministry is, where you see it going, what your group is doing. Then ask for feedback and input. Keep the flow of information steady—better to have more than not enough! Also, sit down with the senior pastor and lay out your feelings and your desires. Remind him or her that he or she can feel free to do the same. You are on the same team, and both of you want the church to be healthy before God. Ask questions about where the church is going and where the youth ministry fits into that plan. If who God has called you to be and do fits in with that, you have found where you can minister and feel fulfilled. If not, you can make plans for a transition.

7. Accept feedback. Anger or hurt is a natural feeling when you receive a rebuke, but you must control your reactions. Solomon once wrote, "Better is an open rebuke than hidden love." (reference)Trust that your senior pastor has something to share despite his or her faults, and that he or she may truly want to help you become the minister of your potential. The senior pastor’s years of experience have given him or her perspective, which passion alone doesn't possess; you can gain wisdom from that.

8. Support your senior pastor. Senior pastors may feel a lot of pressure and may want you to support him or her as much as you want him or her to support you. Jesus once told a parable about a master who gave some responsibilities to his servants before he took a trip. At first, the master gave a little responsibility to one servant. When the servant proved that he could be trusted with a little responsibility, the master saw that the servant could be trusted with more. Sometimes it’s in the little tasks around the church (such as cleaning up after meetings and keeping the van gassed up) that reveal our priorities. Faithfulness in seemingly small matters shows the senior pastor that you are responsible and improves your relationship.

9. Get unbiased feedback. Discuss a conflict situation with a trusted prayer partner or, better yet, your mentor. A fresh perspective on the problem from a person unconnected with the situation can be enlightening.

10. Pray. Pray, and pray often. God can and will answer prayer. This struggle could be a growth experience for you. Ask everyone you can trust to keep the prayer request between him or her and God and to pray to God every day about the situation.

After you have considered these 10 points it is unlikely that you will need to have an explosive battle with your senior pastor. Conflicts still occur and occasionally you will be called on to make a courageous stand based on principle. But before you charge into the cannons and both sides take casualties, try the way of peace.

1 Peter 2:13-25 (NRSV)
Submission to Rulers and Masters
For the Lord’s sake accept the authority of every human institution, whether of the emperor as supreme, or of governors, as sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to praise those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing right you should silence the ignorance of the foolish. As servants of God, live as free people, yet do not use your freedom as a pretext for evil. Honor everyone. Love the family of believers. Fear God. Honor the emperor. Slaves, accept the authority of your masters with all deference, not only those who are kind and gentle but also those who are harsh. For it is a credit to you if, being aware of God, you endure pain while suffering unjustly. If you endure when you are beaten for doing wrong, what credit is that? But if you endure when you do right and suffer for it, you have God’s approval. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you should follow in his steps. ‘He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’ When he was abused, he did not return abuse; when he suffered, he did not threaten; but he entrusted himself to the one who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that, free from sins, we might live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were going astray like sheep, but now you have returned to the shepherd and guardian of your souls.

John Gocke is a veteran of youth ministry, having worked in various churches in Southern California and for Al Menconi Ministries, based in Carlsbad, California. John holds an MA in Theology from Point Loma Nazarene University and currently works on the staff of www.ileadyouth.com.

Other articles by John Gocke:
Eleven Signs of a Successful Youth Minister.
Dealing with sharing your office.
Christian Pirates?
Saying what you really think!
Cures for the Summertime Attendance Slump
Going Back in Time
The Epic Struggle Between Youth Pastors and Senior Pastors
You and Conan the Barbarian
A King Josiah-Kind of Christian
Fantasizing About Violence: Violent Video Games Promote Aggressive Behavior In Youth
Chico the Roach
Are you a Batman or Superman Christian?
Ten Skills They Don’t Teach You in Seminary
Teach your youth grace-not just mercy this Christmas
Five reasons you should encourage your youth to experience Christian music
Secular prophets in the business world and their lessons for us
Hollywood Secrets for Your Next Youth Meeting

Brought to you by your youth ministry colleagues at Cokesbury.

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