Listening to teens is one of the most powerful opportunities adults have.

by Joel W. Harbarger

School teachers feel buried under a mountain of paperwork demands. Coaches and band directors are overwhelmed with the demand to “win or be fired!” Parents are paralyzed by the demands of their employers who are “rightsizing” their companies. No one seems to care—or even have time to care—about anyone else’s problems.

Youth too are affected. They often seem resigned to adults' not listening to them; to adults’ ignoring them; to adults' telling them what to do, with little regard for the youth's opinions. Youth often expect to be treated as an annoyance. Thus many youth seem shocked when an adult listens to them.

You've Gotta Be Willing
Willingness to listen to youth is an investment in respect. We tell youth (some for the first time) that we respect them and care about hearing their ideas, struggles, and triumphs.

All of us can become good listeners, but most of us don’t. The stresses of life often keep us from developing this vital skill. Solution-seeking becomes more expedient than listening to problems. We find ourselves hearing what we expect or want to hear, rather than listening to what is said. Impatience is a predator of listening skills.

Adults are often more comfortable talking to youth than talking with them. Listening more than talking and asking their opinions—letting the youth know you value them—requires discipline. Some adults practice a reality check be telling themselves, "She sounds just like a fifteen year old. That’s okay, since she IS fifteen years old!" We can affirm the idealism and naivete of youth: a fragile attitude that spoils all to soon.

Show You Care
To listen to youth effectively, we need to slow down our response time. In Native American culture, interrupting another is almost the height of rudeness. A person often waits a while after the other has spoken before responding, making sure that the speaker is not just taking a moment to ponder before speaking again. We could all learn from this pattern. Youth need to know that we are listening.

Some researchers say that as much as eighty percent of our communication is nonverbal. How we position our bodies, what we do with our hands, where we look, how we say what we say—all convey more than anything we do say.

That’s true for listeners too. If we are not attentive, the person talking will assume that we are not listening. But if we look at the person, smile, and nod at appropriate times, the person knows that we are really listening.

Sitting up in our seats with our arms uncrossed, we communicate that we are interested and open to what is being said. If we slouch and cross our arms, we indicate that we are bored and closed to the person’s ideas.

We also need to ask open questions. We don’t ask “Was the ski trip fun?” because that will elicit answers like yes or no or—most likely—“kind of.” But the question, "What was the ski trip like?" Wil elicit longer responses. And we can follow up with “Now explain how that happened” or “Wow! How did you feel when that happened?”

Inviting youth into conversation and asking follow-up questions tells youth that we value their experience and want to know more. Even expressions such as “Wow!” or “No kidding?” or “Boy, I would have been scared!” can encourage conversation (but be sincere).

Keep Them Talking
Our most important task as listeners is to encourage youth to keep talking. Finding out about favorite hobbies, interests, and involvements gives us opportunities to ask leading questions about life. For example, ask about the person’s extracurricular involvements. Is there a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone the person wishes were a boyfriend or girlfriend? Ask about jobs and cars. Or find out about the parents – don’t focus on what the parents do for a living. Ask about the youth’s relationships with parents. Finding out about youth’s lives will provide all sorts of conversation starters.

One of the most effective techniques for listening to youth is “a soft drink and an ear.” Invite two or three youth to go to a fast-food restaurant after school or on a Saturday morning. Begin with a couple of discussion starters, then sit back to listen.

• What’s the funniest thing that happened in school this week?

• What’s your hardest school subject?

• Who is your favorite school teacher? Why?

• Who is your worst teacher? Why?

• What’s going on with your parents?

• What’s your dream vacation? Why?

• What are your plans this summer (or after high school)?

What if I’m an Introvert?
Actually, introverts are some of the best listeners. All you have to do is learn how to start talking and to keep talking. Ask leading questions and then smile, nod, and offer sounds and short words of encouragement. Remember that listening is not about being a performer, but about being a great audience. You can develop your skills to be a great listener.

Confidentiality Issues
What happens when a youth shares something that others need to know? If it involves abuse of any kind (emotional, physical, or sexual), you are required by law to report the abuse. If the situation is not that drastic but you feel that the parents should be informed, talk with the youth about it. Be sure that the youth will be safe if he or she opens up to his or her parents. If you feel that the youth will be safe, explain to him or her what parents need to know. Offer to go with the youth when he or she tells his or her parents—or even offer to talk with the youth’s parents, instead.

Use your own judgment about sharing sensitive information with the parents, without the youth’s consent. Understand that by doing so, you will probably sever your trust relationship with that youth and his or her friends. Tread carefully!

Follow Up
Youth will assume that you can remember all they’ve told you. If you don’t have that kind of memory, write down important information as soon as possible after—not during—a conversation. Keep the notes in a secure place. Be sure to identify areas for future conversation or puzzling comments to explore in upcoming times together.

Joel Harbarger listens to youth and college students in Athens, a small college town in rural southeastern Ohio.

From Lifegivers, © 1997 by Abingdon Press. This material may be reproduced for educational purposes.

Other articles in the Lifegivers series:
Faith Conversation Skills.
Creating a Welcoming Environment.
Keeping It Real.
Steps to Identify Potential Youth Disciples. Welcoming Youth.
Getting Connected: Real-Life Options in Reaching Out to Youth.
Setting a New Direction.
Experiencing the Gift of Friendship.
Connecting With Youth.
Addressing Our Fears and Dreams.
How Youth Learn.
Helping Youth Know God (By Checking Out Your Feelings).
People Who Resemble God.
Compelling or Repelling.
Help! I Need Volunteers.
The Significant Seven: The Seven Keys to Lifegiving Ministry With Youth.
Welcoming Youth.
Jesus Said, “Go!”.

Brought to you by your youth ministry colleagues at Cokesbury.